October292010
i’m having a hard time adjusting to “being normal.” i’ve spent so much time talking about it and anticipating the freedom from studying, i think i built it up too much. don’t get me wrong - i’m having the time of my life! never have i been more excited for a panthers game or a random thursday night of trivia at the bar or a big birthday dinner celebration. my bank account is not a fan of the drastic increase in these activities, but my friends, this has been a long time coming. i’m happier! my anxiety feels more manageable (aside from the whole finding a new job thing), and i’m not secretly angry or jealous when thomas goes out with our friends because HEY! i can too!
here’s the thing. maybe i should have specified first. i’m having a hard time adjusting within my relationship to this flurry of fun. i’ve done a lot of things without him. we have each had a busy month. separately. and i don’t really like it. catching up with my friends has been wonderful and beyond healthy for me. but it seems like i should be sharing some of this fun with thomas. sure, we spent enjoyable time together, but when i think back to how great the last few weeks have been, the things i think of first don’t include him.
we’ll always have our own things to do, and i think that’s the way it should be. something just feels off about the way this has gone. i have a sense of doubt that is lingering in the back of my mind. my tendency is to take one bad day or week and turn it into: i don’t like this, this isn’t right, what if we shouldn’t be together, etc. part of me wonders if this is just what being in a long term relationship entails. i’ve never been with anyone for this long, and we are coming up on 2 years. of course we will reach a level of comfort. i just don’t like the level of QUIET that seems to be present.
i never do well when communication drops off. we don’t talk on the phone much, and very few days pass when we speak or email or even text during the day. i’ve gotten used to that. thomas is a relatively quiet person, and i think once he gets focused on work, it’s hard to get distracted. i am the opposite, but i am okay with this difference for the most part. the problem is when we don’t actually spend time together. it takes a toll on me. FAST.
i’ve hit this point so many times, i can’t even count. and having a ‘date night’ or just spending a quiet night in together always seems to be the cure. it’s like i need for us to reconnect. this seems somewhat normal. i really hate how often i feel this way though. and now we are headed to the mountains with 3 other couples for the weekend. when we get back, i’m sure we will spend sunday night at his house with his roommate. and another busy week will ensue, followed by my solo trip to SC for the weekend.
is this really what it’s like when butterflies are gone?
